Ain't no rest for the wicked

Author : Jessica Bell
Title : Dear Reflection : I Never Meant To Be a Rebel
Published : 01/06/2017
Pages : 298
Genre : Autobiography
Publisher : Vine Leaves Press 







     In 1980's Australia, Erika Bach and Demetri Vlass founded Ape the Cry and Hard Candy, two of Melbourne’s iconic indie bands. They encouraged Jessica with unreserved love to pick up the guitar and write her own songs. But Erika’s back problem became a nightmare of pill popping, alcohol abuse, and anxiety attacks. Demetri retreated into silence for fear of triggering Erika’s drug-induced psychosis. And Jessica turned inwards, to her own reflection.

     A few times a year I like to for reasons I have still to fathom grab a book without any previous knowledge and delve into it. Now, this might seem a bit risky but a) I have been very lucky in the books I have read this way and b) I will basically read anything with the exception of erotic novel. To be honest they make me cringe to read. So to the book at hand. I am starting to get more and more into autobiography lately. spending time in someone else shoes is proving to be a very enlightening and interesting adventure.   

     Jessica takes us into her world and shines a light into the darkest areas of her life. For some, the stories she tells are things people would probably relegate to a forgotten part of their memory hoping no one will remember them. She comes through with a raw honesty and power that drew me in and kept me focused as I spent time learning her story.  Over the course of her childhood Bell seems to have gone through a hell of a lot to get to where she is now.  To make this easier for the reader the book is broken up into five sections each dealing with set points in her life, all told in chronological order. 

     In the telling of her story, the author deals with some fairly heavy subject.  She spends most of her school life being bullied to one extent or another. This I think forming the bedrock of a lot of her self-esteem issues. I liked her use of the reflection in the mirror to give form to these thoughts and feelings she had about herself. It shows with great poignancy the give and takes between Bell and her subconscious and the demons she had to fight. Some of these I have to say did resonate with me I guess no matter how much time and distance we put between us and the time we spend growing up, we still carry this baggage the rest of our lives. But I think in Bells case she has come to own this trauma. The women writing this book is not entirely the same one who lived those events. 

     She also details the troubled relationship she has with her parents. They being a semi-famous bad in Australia during the nineteen nineties. This is ever more present in the passages that take place between Bell and her mother. Theirs seems to be a battle of words as much as it was actions. Each seemingly trying to hurt one another without actually laying a finger on each other. I am glad that the author chose to give context in later chapters to these actions, It stopped it from becoming a tale of the wicked mother. Each dealing with their pain through abuses of different substances. Alcohol playing a huge part in her teenage years leading to situations she probably otherwise never would have found her self in. Thus, in turn, adding to more self-doubt and causing every increasing depression. But however, you chose to self-medicate you can never outrun that particular wolf.

     More than any part of this book the way in which she openly talks about her mental health issues dug down deep into me. Having spent so long dealing with my own problems, It somehow felt reassuring to read about someone who dealt with some of the same problems I have been through. I think it is hard enough to deal with these thoughts and feelings internally, but it takes a very brave person to put them down on to paper and then send them out into the world. This book is a powerful message to others out there that they are not alone, and you can make it out the other side. How changing the people around you can sometimes have a huge impact on how you see your little corner of the planet. But it is also a story of a complicated and mixed up woman trying to find her place in the world. Some time brutally honest to the point of making you feel uncomfortable than to be brought back from the edge by sharing her moments of triumph and a few laughs. this is a book and person well worth spending some time with.