How I Lost You by Jenny Blackhurst

Author : Jenny Blackhurst
Title : How I Lost You
Published : 2015
Publisher : Headline
Pages : 368
Genre : Crime Thriller







     I have no memory of what happened but I was told I killed my son. And you believe what your loved ones, your doctor and the police tell you, don't you? My name is Emma Cartwright. Three years ago I was Susan Webster, and I murdered my twelve-week-old son Dylan. I was sent to Oakdale Psychiatric Institute for my crime, and four weeks ago I was released early on parole with a new identity, address, and a chance to rebuild my tattered life. This morning, I received an envelope addressed to Susan Webster. Inside it was a photograph of a toddler called Dylan. Now I am questioning everything I believe because if I have no memory of the event, how can I truly believe he's dead? If there was the smallest chance your son was alive, what would you do to get him back?

     This was my first time coming to this author, having been given it as a recommendation. I am always after a good crime story and this one seem to take on a subject I have not often read about. Women who kill are not the usual subject of such books. What would any of us do if we were convicted of killing our own child? Especially if you had no memory of ever having down it. I suppose you would want to fight for the truth no matter how difficult it was to the stomach. For Emma, there is a lot to work through when you believe your life to be perfect you don't look for the cracks around the edges. The things you know aren't quite right get pushed to one side. Who after all wants to look for the bad in their lives. When we first come into Emma's world she is just getting out having served her time. And in the midst of all this comes a clue, a photo that might just set her on the right path.

     The author in choosing to use the first person narrative dumps us straight into the turmoil of Emma's world. You feel for her as she struggles to put pieces of a puzzle together when she has no idea of the final picture. She is a mother who believes deep down that the very crime she was convicted of is one she could never have carried out. This is a woman who though defeated is far from broken. It also becomes clear very quickly that there are many around her who cannot be trusted. But this is also a book of two halves so while in the present we follow Emma on her treacherous journey we also get thrown back into the past in the search for clues. This is a book that turned out to be a lot darker than I had originally thought it would. While the subject of child murder is never one to be taken lightly this author adds layer upon layer like some diseased and rotting onion.  These people hold deep dark secrets that they would rather stay buried. 

     With the style in which the author tackles her story allows it to bloom inside the reader's mind. And while starting of somewhat slowly she creates a world that keeps you locked into to it as the layers fall away. This is a mystery that you will want to get to the bottom of. She shows how we all carry guilt over something in our past and how it can weigh us down and affect what our lives our to become. And while we all make choices about these things it is only in the moment that counts those few seconds that change us forever.  For some, that means never being able to look themselves in the eyes again. This book gives the reader a lot to consider as you make your way through. How much can one person be willing to forgive and where is the linen drawn when you say enough is enough. I would say there are many characters in this book that I did not like, They are only concerned with themselves and their own pleasures. For me, this is one of the authors great strength in writing characters you will love to hate. 

     This was a book that I enjoyed my time with, she created a dark and twisted world where no one is to be trusted, even your own mind has places it fears no to go. And as the pace picked up I could barely put it down in the hunt for the truth.