Who will believe me.

Author : Amber Smith
Title : The Way I Used To Be
Published : 07/03/2017
Pages : 367
Format  : Paperback
Publisher : Margaret K. McElderry Books

     Eden was always good at being good. Starting high school didn't change who she was. But the night her brother's best friend rapes her, Eden's world capsizes. What was once simple, is now complex. What Eden once loved--who she once loved--she now hates. What she thought she knew to be true, is now lies. Nothing makes sense anymore, and she knows she's supposed to tell someone what happened but she can't. So she buries it instead. And she buries the way she used to be.

    Some times we need to read out side of our usual subjects. This was a book that caught my attention. It’s a subject matter that is hard to come to terms with. Why would anyone rape some one else. But when it comes to this book it’s more about the after effects of one of the most heinous crime. How can some one move on from having gone through such an ordeal. It was I must admit some hesitation that I start this book.

     When we first meet Eden the crime is just about to take place. From the start we are drawn in to her life. We are shown how some one can bring self hatred down on them selves. But also how Eden lashes out at those around them.  She ends up questioning her self at every turn all the while trying to rebuild some semblance of what her life use to be. She struggles to find ways to connect with people even those closest to her. How can any one let alone a fourteen year old come to terms with such a complete and utter  loss of control and violation. At first she puts her head down and tries to pretend it never happened. She helps start a book club and tries to carry on with her friends as it had been before. In the end Eden turns to drugs and alcohol as staple of her life in an attempt to bring some sort of control back. She also ends up in sexual encounters with several other men. I think it was some what telling that only one Josh actually wants to get to know her. There relationship falters due to her not being able to tell him what happened to her. She try’s to keep him at arms length so as not to let out the secret that is tearing her apart. I’m not sure how true to life it is but I found in strange that no one around her questions the massive changes she display as things turn for the worst. It must be a very lonely path to walk.

     Smith has given us a book that will take you on a journey. It’s one that is hard to bare at times she doesn’t shy away from the crime it’s self. As she describes the act to us we are right there with Eden. It will bring on strong emotions and I think for most readers it will be a very disturbing position to be in. I can’t stress enough how real it seems to be as you read. I could feel the need to both scream with rage and want to cry. It’s not often a book could draw such strong reactions from me. As the pages pass we get to see how of the rails every thing can get. What the author does so well is bring the true trauma of such an act right to the for front. I don’t really believe any one can grasp this situation unless they had lived it. But this will bring you as close to its as I can imagine. The book is broken down in to four sections giving us the years that follow Eden’s attack. It gives us an insight in to how one act can destroy a life. We get to see the spiral of depression and despair that reeks havoc on a persons life. This is not a book about getting over such an event it’s more about how you live with such a thing. The worrying thing is one in eight high school girls in the U.S are victims of rape. How can such a thing be an acceptable way for our world to function.

     I can't say it’s an enjoyable read but it is one I will carry with me for a long time. When I had finished the book I had to question my reason for read such a story. I can only come up with the idea that we need to experience these things so we can come to some sort of understanding of such an event. Then maybe we can better understand what victims of rape go through and the reasoning behind the choice they make in the weeks, months and years afterwards. That is not to say this is every rape survivors story. I realise that Eden’s story is a fictional one but I feel it could be true to life. Each person deals with trauma in different ways this just happens to be one version. And I think all we can do is  be there for them and to listen to what they have to say.